students vs professor

The college professor had just finished
explaining an important research
project to his class. He emphasized that
this paper was an absolute
requirement for passing his class, and
that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable
illness or a death in the student's
immediate family.

A 'smart' student in the back of the
classroom waved his hand and spoke
up. "But what about extreme sexual
exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class
exploded in laughter. When the
students had finally settled down, the
professor froze the young man with a
glaring look.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll
just have to learn to write with your
other hand."

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wanna take money to the afterlife

There was a man who worked all of
his life and saved all of his money. He
was a real miser when it came to his
money. He loved money more than
just about anything, and just before he
died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my
money and place it in the casket with
me. I wanna take my money to the
afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with
all her heart that when he died, she
would put all the money in the casket
with him.

Well, one day he died. He was
stretched out in the casket, the wife
was sitting there in black next to her
closest friend. When they finished the
ceremony, just before the undertakers
got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her, she
came over with the box and placed it
in the casket. Then the undertakers
locked the casket down and rolled it
away. Her friend said, "I hope you
weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a
good Christian, I can't lie. I promised
him that I was going to put that
money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every
cent of his money in the casket with
him?"

"I sure did. I got it all together, put it
into my account and I wrote him a
check."

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The Shocked Cinderella

Sure, there are some pretty stupid
criminals out there. Yet this excerpt
from a Washington Post article proves
that not all criminals are dumb – in fact, some are so clever that the Post
labeled this article, "The Best
Comeback Line Ever"

In summary, the police arrested
Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white
male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a
pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on
Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd
and lascivious behavior, public
indecency, and public intoxication at
the Gwinnett County courthouse on
Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was
passing a pumpkin patch he decided
to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft
and squishy inside, and there was no
one around here for miles. At least I
thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he
pulled over to the side of the road,
Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was
appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole
in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need.
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently
failed to notice a Gwinnett County
police car approaching and was
unaware of his audience until Officer
Brenda Taylor approached him. "It
was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up
to (Lawrence) and he's... just working
away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what
happened when she approached
Lawrence. "I just went up and said,
'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that
you are screwing a pumpkin?' He
froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me
straight in the face and said, 'A
pumpkin? Darn...is it midnight
already?"

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Why ABCDEF are used as a bra size?.

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used as
a bra size? Here is his statement:

A - Airport (average)
B - Barely there (almost there)
C - Can do (bad)
D - Damn good (were really beautiful)
E - enormous (very big)
F - Fake (counterfeit / operating results)

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Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to
your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there
handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order
double cheese burgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars
worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in
the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use
answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we
won't miss a call from someone we
didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot
dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the
word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many'
and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have
drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless
combat veteran live in a cardboard
box and a draft dodger live in the
White House. (This was popular when
Clinton was in office)

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Come From Heaven

Dear friends. Here
is another funny
experience I had
while travelling. I
was once visiting a
very nice City, very beautiful, many things to
see, and people are very
friendly. I took taxis when
moving about in the City. One
question the taxi drivers would
ask me was "Where do you come from ?". Well, I would answer and
let him know the country I came
from, in a very polite way. But,
when the drivers kept on asking
this same question every time I
took a taxi, I got a bit bored. So, one time, to be friendly , I
answered "I come from heaven".
He then asked "Oh, where is
that ?". I said "I am not sure". I
suppose he sensed I didn't want
to say , so he stopped. Another time I took a taxi , the same
question came. And, I answered "I
come from heaven". He asked
"Oh , is it very far ?". I said "Yes,
very far". He didn't continue.
Very lucky ! I was scared he might ask "What airline did you
take ?" Ha ha ! I would then be
totally at a loss. I wouldn't know
what to answer then !! LOL !!
That was an exciting
experience !

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The Smart Blonde

A blonde woman boards an
airplane. She is extremely
exhausted and just wants to
take a nap. She finally finds her
seat and sits down next to a
very curious young man.

He wants to test the whole dub
blonde thing and possibly make
some money out of it. "Hey,
wanna play a game?" he asks
her. "No thank you, i just want
to take a nap." "Please, its really easy, all you have to do is
answer the questions that i ask
you. If you don't know the
answer, then you give me five
dollars, and if I don't know the
answer to your question, then Ill give you five dollars."

"I really don't want to do this. I
just want to take a nap."

"Oh but PLEASE pretty please.
Okay, how about if I don't know
the answer to your question, I'll
give you five hundred dollars."
The blonde woman became
interested and decided to play the game.

"Okay. How many moons does
jupiter have?" the young man
asked. The woman reached into
her purse and took out a five
dollar bill. "What goes up the
mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?".
The young man, determined not
to lose, gets out his laptop and
searches all over the internet
for an answered. Flustered and
confused, the young man hand
the blonde five hundred dollars.

After a few hours, the young
man was itching to know the
answer to the question."What
was the answer to the riddle?"
the blonde woman reached into
her purse and handed the young man a five dollar bill.

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Two Idiots Hunting Duck in winter

He and a friend go duck hunting
in winter, and of course all the
lakes are frozen. These two guys
go out on the lake with their
guns, a dog, and of course the
new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now,
they want to make some kind of
a natural landing area for the
ducks, something for the decoys
to float on.

In order to make a hole large
enough to look like something a
wandering duck would fly down
and land on, it's going to take a
little more effort than an ice
hole drill. So, out of the back of the nw Navigator truck comes a
stick of dynamite with a short,
40-second fuse.

Now, these two Rocket Scientists
do take into consideration that
they want to place the stick of
dynamite on the ice at a location
far from where they are
standing (and from the new Navigator truck), and they don't
want to take the risk of slipping
on the ice when they run from
the lit dynamite fuse and
possibly go up in smoke with the
resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the
dynamite as far away as they
can.

Remember a couple of sentences
back when I mentioned the
vehicle, the guns, and the dog??

Let's talk about the dog: it's a
highly trained Labrador used for
RETRIEVING. Especially well trained
at retrieving things thrown by
the owner. You guessed it, the
dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and
captures the stick of dynamite
with the burning 40-second fuse
about the time it hits the ice.
The two men yell, scream, wave
their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on,
keeps coming.

One of the guys grabs the
shotgun and shoots the dog. The
shotgun is loaded with #8
birdshot, hardly big enough to
stop a Lab. The dog stops for a
moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and
this time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused and of
course terrified, thinking these
two geniuses have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator
truck..

The men continue to yell as they
run away. The exhaust pipe on
the truck is still hot, so the dog
yelps and drops the dynamite
under the truck, and takes off
after his master.

Then --BOOM-- the truck is
blown to bits and sinks to the
bottom of the lake in a very
large hole, leaving the two idiots
standing there with this "I can't
believe this happened"look on their faces.

The insurance company says
that sinking a vehicle in a lake
by illegal use of explosives is NOT
COVERED. He still had yet to make
the first of those $560.00 a
month payments!!!

And you thought your day was
not going well.

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There are Alligators in the Pool

A CEO throwing a party takes his
executives on a tour of his
opulent mansion. In the back of
the property, the CEO has the
largest swimming pool any of
them has ever seen.

The huge pool, however, is filled
with hungry alligators.

The CEO says to his executives "I
think an executive should be
measured by courage. Courage is
what made me CEO. So this is my
challenge to each of you: if
anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through
those alligators, and make it to
the other side, I will give that
person anything they desire. My
job, my money, my house,
anything!"

Everyone laughs at the
outrageous offer and proceeds
to follow the CEO on the tour of
the estate. Suddenly, they hear
a loud splash. Everyone turns
around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool,
swimming for his life. He dodges
the alligators left and right and
makes it to the edge of the pool
with seconds to spare. He pulls
himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO
approaches the CFO and says,
"You are amazing. I've never
seen anything like it in my life.
You are brave beyond measure
and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.

The CFO, panting for breath,
looks up and says, "You can tell
me who the hell pushed me in
the pool!"

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The Christian Bear

There was a man who one day
didnt feel like going to church so
he decided to go hunting instead.

He was out in the bush when he
was aproched from behind by a
bear. He dropped his gun by
accident but didnt bother to pick
it up.

He ran for his life. Weaving in and
out the trees with the bear on
his trail. Curving around a tree
he triped over its root.

He looked up and the bear
looked down. The bear was
about to strike at him. He put
his hands together and prayed:

"Dear lord, Please let this bear
be a christian."

the bear sat down on its bum
and held the mans hands, closed
his eyes and said: "Dear lord,
Thank you for the food that i am
about to recieve"

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Two Blind Pilots at the cabin

Two blind pilots both are wearing
dark glasses, one is using a guide
dog, and the other is tapping his
way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads
through the cabin, but the men
enter the cockpit, the door
closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing
nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little
practical joke. None is
forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and
faster down the runway and the
people sitting in the window
seats realize they're headed
straight for the water at the
edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will
plough in to the water, panicked
screams fill the cabin. At that
moment, the plane lifts smoothly
into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat
into their magazines, secure in
the knowledge that the pl ane is
in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind
pilots turns to the other and
says,"ya know, Bob, one of these
days, they're gonna scream too
late and we're all gonna die."

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The Religious Horse

Once a man bought a horse. You
had to say ?hallelujah? to make
it go and ?amen? to make it
stop.

The man was riding his horse one
day but then he realized he was
riding to an edge of a cliff.

He was so scared he forgot how
to make the horse stop. He
thought this was the end of his
life and he started praying,
ending the prayer by saying ?
amen?.

The horse suddenly stopped at
the edge of the cliff. 'hallelujah'
said the man with a sigh of relief
and off went the horse?

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The Most EmbarrassingMoments Ever!

Let’ s face it – we’ ve all had our share of embarrassing moments.
Just be thankful that none of
them were as humiliating (and
hilarious!) as these:

"A mother was taking a shower
when her2 year old son
came into the bathroom and
wrapped himself in toilet paper.
Although he made a mess, he
looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few
shots. They came out so well
that she had copies made and
included one with each of
their Christmas cards. Days later,
a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and
suggesting that she take a
closer look. Puzzled, the mother
stared at the photo and was
shocked to discover that in
addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the
mirror wearing nothing but a
camera!"

"A woman and her sister were at
the mall and passed by a store
that sold a variety of nuts. As
they were looking at the display
case, the boy behind the
counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No,
I'm just looking at your nuts."
The sister started to laugh
hysterically, the boy grinned,
and she turned beet red and
walked away."

"A lady picked up several items
at a discount store. When she
finally got up to the checker,
she learned that one of her
items had no price tag. Imagine
her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and
boomed out for the entire store
to hear, ‘ PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but
somebody at the rear of
the store apparently
misunderstood the word
'Tampax' for ‘ THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice
boomed back over the intercom:
‘ DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND
YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’

An introvert went to bar and
spots a pretty looking woman
sitting on the stool. He mustered
all his courage for long time,
then timidly approached and
asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?"
She was alert, suspecting this
man, and responds by yelling,
"No, I won't sleep with you
tonight!" Customers in the bar
started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns
to his table dejected and
ashamed. The young woman
waits a little and then goes to
the guy to apologize. With a smile
on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I
am a college student in
psychiatry and I am putting
together a thesis as to how
people react to embarrassing
moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean
by $500?"

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The World’s Funniest Real Ads

Believe it or not, these ads
actually found their way into
newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must
see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set
of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer. No
longer needed. Got married last
weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock
band. Must be female or male.

For sale, Hope Chest, brand new,
half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature
teenager to baby-sit. One dollar
an hour.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward.
Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that
can be made into a table, potty
chair, rocking horse,
refrigerator, spring coat, size 8
and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old.
Perfect for antique lover.

Etc.
:-)

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